Government Shutdown Enters Third Week; No One Notices

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered its third week of a complete shutdown Monday, and according to a Gallup poll conducted yesterday, not a single American has noticed. "The potholes are the same size, the DMV still takes four hours, and my congressman still hasn't returned my email from 2019," said Rita Combs, 58, of Dayton, Ohio. "What exactly changed?" Dr. Helen Park of Georgetown's Center for Public Futility confirmed that all measurable metrics of federal performance have remained "statistically identical" to pre-shutdown levels. "If anything, national parks are slightly cleaner," she added. "Turns out the biggest threat to public lands was the National Park Service." Congress has scheduled an emergency session to address the crisis but cannot agree on which day of the week it is.