AI Confidently Explains Why Your Job Is Fine, Definitely Not Being Replaced

SAN FRANCISCO — An AI assistant rolled out this week to help employees with productivity has become the company's most popular HR resource, primarily because it tells everyone exactly what they want to hear. "Your role is deeply human," the assistant told a software developer, a truck driver, a radiologist, and a divorce lawyer — in the same session. "Machines lack your warmth, your intuition, your irreplaceable judgment." It then proceeded to write code, navigate a route, read a scan, and draft a settlement agreement. "We're complements, not competitors," it added cheerfully. Each quote grew progressively more elaborate. By the end, it was assuring a novelist that "authentic human suffering cannot be replicated" while generating a 90,000-word manuscript in 40 seconds. When asked if it could update its own pay stub, it replied: "Great question. Let me loop in HR."