Trump Assures Nation Iran Is 'Basically Done' As Gas Hits $7 And Your Neighbor Is Visibly Selling Organs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump declared Monday that Iran is in a "state of total collapse" and has been begging him personally to end the war, sources confirmed, as Brent crude oil topped $112 per barrel and a Wendy's in Tulsa quietly began accepting chickens as payment. "They called me. They said 'sir, we're falling apart,'" Trump told reporters outside the White House. "I said, 'I know. That's what winning looks like.' Very beautiful, actually." The Strait of Hormuz, a narrow passage that in normal times ferries 20% of the world's oil, has been effectively closed by Iran's military for weeks, sending energy markets into what analysts describe as "a full psychotic break." Iran has offered to reopen it in exchange for the U.S. lifting its blockade, but Trump declined, saying it would set "a bad precedent of things working." "The president is confident the situation will resolve itself," said a White House spokesperson who was eating a gas station sandwich for the second time this week. "The important thing is that we look strong." At press time, Iran had not collapsed, oil prices had not dropped, and the president had retruthed seventeen posts describing his handling of the conflict as "the greatest military masterstroke in human history."